Getting there

Dear one,

More than a year ago I wrote my last post about you on my old blog. But it seems that this one is really the final one. 

Been thinking a lot about you lately, especially since you first messaged me last month after losing contact in the last 3 years. 

Recently I’ve noticed that in the middle of my busy day, I’d think about you. And I wonder why.  

I kept telling myself I shouldn’t be thinking about you anymore. But I do. 

You said you want me to slap you on the face for what you did? It’s not gonna help you or me to feel better. It’s not gonna change anything anymore. 

Back in 2014, marami akong tanong sayo na gusto kong masagot. 

Was anything of it real? 

Were you serious? 

Or did you just say what you said back then just because you knew my feelings for you? 

Were you just leading me on?

For many months since you left, I wanted you to tell me the answers. But you never did. Because you didn’t give me a chance to ask you those. You chose not to be a part of my life instead. And worse, you cut connections with our friends too. 

For so long I was guilty that our barkada was broken because of me. And that guilt was my source of anger towards you. Dumating ako sa point na okay na sakin na di ka na makausap or makita ever. Kahit di ko na malaman yung mga sagot sa tanong ko. Okay nako sa lahat ng nangyari, just as they were. 

To be honest, I am surprised at myself for handling your recent apology quite calmly. Perhaps because that time, I was no longer angry at you. I must have dropped away the negative feelings about you on my way in a quest for happiness.

You see, anger and happiness cannot go together. It’s either you choose one or the other. When I chose to be happy, I had to leave behind all my anger towards people who had hurt me directly or indirectly… including you.

I had to forgive not because you deserve it, but because I deserve to be happy. 

I needed that happiness and positive perspective so that I can do all the things I want to do in my life. So that I can move forward. 

For last couple of years, I succumbed to anger, guilt, and resentments to everyone who brought me pain – and these only pulled me down to darkness. 

Worse part of it is that I didn’t allow myself to express that anger. So day-by-day it was eating my soul. 

It is so comfortable and easy to be angry than it is to forgive, so I let it linger. 
But I’ve learned throughout this humbling journey that the anger I felt towards others is a reflection of self-hate. I hated myself for not doing enough, not being enough, and not able to contribute enough to make my situations better. I hated myself for feeling helpless and confused. I couldn’t find a way to forgive myself. 

When anger overshadows love, it is so difficult to forgive. 

But when I finally started to see myself the way God sees me, I felt so forgiven for my own mistakes and failures. That Grace I received helped me to forgive, and then eventually heal.
I may not know your story for the last 3 years, but I pray that one day you’ll rediscover that Grace and find in your heart to forgive – yourself, especially. 

Moving forward. 

Yes, that’s my goal right now. To move forward. 

So why would I still think about you now, to the point of actually writing another piece here about you, instead of writing my finance articles? 

Was it because I still love you?

Perhaps I do. After all, you were my many firsts- my first friend/barkada in Batangas, my first discipler, my first love, my first ‘almost’, my first heartbreak? Well technically you were my second heartbreak ( my first one was my dad). 

Anyway… Years back, there used to be this ball of energy in me called love, for you. It has your face on it. Haha. 

 When everything fell apart between us, that energy became hate. When I started to heal, it gradually transformed back to its original form.

But I couldn’t give it to you anymore, because you were no longer a part of my life. 

What to do with it? It was so strong I needed to know where I could put it. Somewhere safe, somewhere it will be put to good use. 

Eventually, I learned to break them into tiny balls of love and divert them to other things that I want for my life. Suddenly, that love was no longer about you. I gave them away to my family, my friends, my work, my dreams… for the people who had been there for me and value my presence. For myself and for God. 

So if you see masterpieces and passion in what I do, know that those things used to be my love for you. You’ll be proud of how I turned them into beautiful things and ideas. You’ll be proud how I made a work-of-art out of it. 

So why the heck I still think about you if I had given those love away? 

Because there are still remaining tiny balls of love named after you. 

Don’t worry about it, I will come to the point when I have given them all away. 

By that time, my heart shall have forgotten you. 

By that time, I’ll stop thinking about you. 

By that time, I’ll stop loving you. 

I’m getting there. 

I’ll get there soon, I swear. 

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