So eto na naman tayo sa random inner monologue (na hindi na masyadong inner kasi sinulat ko na dito 😂 ).
Kaya ko kaya? Kaya ko na ba ngayon? I’m at the turning point in my life kung saan abot-kamay ko na yung isa sa mga bagay na pangarap kong gawin pero I am starting to doubt myself again.
I am facing the biggest risk I have ever faced in my entire 25 yrs of existence, and yes my life literally depends on it. 😐 I may have failed many times in the past but this one I cannot allow to fall. I know that cannot lose this battle.
And here’s my MDD -imposing despicable lies into my head: Di mo yan kaya. You’ll fail at the very first step. You’re nothing. You will be nothing. You’ve never been anything. You’ll never get through it. You’ll never win.
While the MDD is at it, however, God is continuously sending me His love. God knows me too well I guess. He is always 10 steps ahead, no matter how undeserving I am.
So sino ba papakinggan ko diba? Sa totoo lang, indulging myself to my illness is too easy to do. That dark, hollow pit is attractive and staying in it had always been my comfort zone, my place of convenience. But this persistent God keeps on challenging me to trust Him and trust in myself. Adhering to this challenge is wayyyyy beyond my comfort zone. He is calling me to go to my courage zone and it is too big for me, or so I thought.
So yes- unless I face my fears, I will forever be imprisoned by my limitations.
Dear sweet freedom, time is running. I have to be brave enough to choose you. Dear God, help me get through this- I can’t do it alone – I need You in this journey.