Of Dreams and Discernments

I have been discerning for two months now,  ever since I failed in my last attempt to get into my dream law school which I took as a sign that maybe, just maybe God is leading me to another path.

But I can never tell what’s in store in the future.

To be honest, up to this point, I still do not know where I am going. All I know is that I am staring at this wonderful light where Jesus invites me to come. I do not know where the light is gonna lead me, but I am definitely following it.

But every time I try to make sense of what is happening in me, or around me for that matter, I tend to get really confused and anxious.

You see, I have varied interests. Entrepreneurship. Finance. Law. Theater. Arts. Literature. AlDub.

And even if I was rejected by my dream school for the third time (after being interviewed recently and almost got in… ouch!), I still wonder if I should pursue law. But the big question for me is:  WHY? Why would I want to? Is it because of prestige? Or Pride? Or Self Approval? Is it just because I have already started with Legal Management as a college degree? Am I pushing myself to hard to pursue the legal profession because most of my peers had already did, and I am supposed to be doing it too?

There’s a part of me that wants to give honor to AB-LM, but there is a large part of me too that wants to pursue another path. Sometimes I think, siguro kaya na-delay ang mga bagay-bagay because deep in my heart I was afraid of it and I wanted to be in another field. Take note, walang pumipilit sa akin mag-law ha; gusto ko lang talaga tapusin sana yung nasimulan ko na kasi Legal Management na yung course ko eh.

Dati kasi, I was so interested with the Constitution, with the corporate laws, family laws, etcetera. I was facinated with the adventures of Sherlock Holmes and Alias, that when I saw that it was impossible to be a secret agent or a ninja or detective, the closest I can get to handle ‘cases’ was to become a lawyer. But I didn’t want to become just a lawyer, I want to do full-time pro bono work. I want to serve the poor, the marginalized, the needy. And I told myself, that if I become one, I will not allow people to call me Attorney because I simply want them to call me with my first name to make them feel like we are friends. Truth is, I have this sense of silent protest against honorifics.

I was so full of this dream, and I had no backup plans. Then it happened… I failed.

So ayun, in my efforts to console myself I tried to contemplate about what I really want to do in my life. And I started with things that gave me joy and the things that pained me.

My parents went through financial difficulties when I was still in college, and eight years later, I cannot really say that they have fully recovered from the losses. And as their eldest child I feel responsible to give my help. I felt the need to have a more in-depth study of finances and really delve into financial literacy. So as of the present, during my personal time I study forex trading, stock market investing and other investment instrument as well as financial planning. The pain of having no financial freedom has led me to dream of becoming an entrepreneur and financial coach.

Kaya lang, habang nag-aaral ako my mind kept on wandering still.

I have these sudden daydreams about writing my own book- a novel, and then making a screenplay for it and pitching for movie adaptation. There is a certain story which has been in my mind for days, and I really want to ink it down. But I have hesitations- what if this would be another failure? a flop? Wala naman akong degree sa writing, at ang pinaka workshops ko lang sa writing this year were more on about freelance writing.

At eto ang malupet, nangangarap akong gaganapan yon ng AlDub. Anuba!

Ano na? haha!

Art and literature has always been close to my heart, since my org in college was a theater guild and up to now I have these keen interest on literature and arts. But I would never have thought that creative writing is something that I would seriously pursue as a career.

But what are those thoughts? What about those ideas? I cannot just throw them out of my consciousness and subconsciousness. I knew that there is a message behind it all.

I’m gonna figure it out for sure. But as of now, I am excited about how my confusion would be resolved.

So help me, God.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s